Revelation (Nelson-Style) Parody of "Revolution" by the Beatles (Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, kicking off the first stop on his world tour, our new president and prophet, Russell M. Nelson!) (girls screaming) You say you want some revelation Well, here you go- It’s gonna blow your frickin’ mind It’s crucial for the world’s salvation So, here you go- High Priests and Elders are combined (Dude 1: Whoa!) (Dude 2: Wow!) They come from different generations But I’m sure they’ll get along just fine And I know there will never be a fight (Fogey: The Earth is 6,000 years old!) (Youngin’: No, it’s billions of years old!) They won’t fight (Fogey: Darn those gays to heck!) (Youngin’: We need to love our gay brothers and sisters!) They'll never fight (Fogey snoring) (Youngin': I'm outta here, Grampa.) (Fogey: What? What?) You say you want some revelation Well, now you know- The Home Teaching program soon will end (Dude 1: Oh, and I was gonna do mine this month!) (Dude 2: No, you weren't.) (Dude 1: Yeah, you're right. I wasn't.) Never mind that that was revelation A long time ago We’re holier than they were then Home Teaching’s replacement will be very much the same With a little less guilt and a mainstream Christian name- “Ministering” Don’t you know that it’s gonna be alright (Dude 1: “So what do you think of this new Ministering program?”) (Dude 2: “Eh, it’s alright.”) Alright (Dude 1: “Yeah, I guess it’s alright.”) (Dude 2: "It's alright.") Alright Here follows the collected revelations of Heber J. Grant, George Albert Smith, David O. McKay, Joseph Fielding Smith, Harold B. Lee, Ezra Taft Benson, Howard W. Hunter, Gordon B. Hinckley, and Thomas S. Monson... (crickets) That is all. You say you want some revelation Well, you know- Seven temples were announced (Dude 2: A temple in Russia?) (Dude 1: In Soviet Russia, temple goes to you!) We want you to make more donations So then, you know- A list of new temples totally counts We’re growing like crazy, at least so it must appear And you’re led by a prophet, revelator, and a seer (Dude 1: Really? Who?) (Dude 2: President Nelson!) (Dude 1: Oh. Right.) Don’t you know that it’s gonna be alright (Dude 2: "A temple in Layton? It's about time!") Alright (Dude 1: "Now we don't have to drive all the way to Ogden.") Alright Don't you know that it's gonna be alright The apostles just got a little bit less white All of our alibis gonna be airtight (for the coverups) Please don’t make a movie about us like Spotlight (that was hard-hitting) I’ve gotta go dedicate another new temple site (for all of our members in India!) (Smashing noises) (Dude 1: Whoa, is President Nelson smashing his guitars like Jimi Hendrix?) (Dude 2: No, he's smashing bottles of alcohol.) (Dude 1: Well, that's still pretty "rock star.") (Dude 2: Not when they're full.)

GASLIGHTING By Weird Alma (parody of "Greased Lightning" from Grease) The Mormon Church is so dogmatic It's really problematic It can feel so traumatic When they're gaslightin' They'll make you question everything about your own sanity, oh yeah (When you question, they make you question) If something seems wrong that’s just the way it’s supposed to be, oh yeah (It’s your problem, not the church’s problem) If you point out something’s bad Then they’ll say you must be mad They’ll question your intent While dismissing what you meant It’s gaslightin’ Well, it's so gaslightin' with the things the Prophet Joe would do (No seer stone, he didn’t use a seer stone) But then they change the narrative and tell you that they always knew (He used a seer stone, of course he used a seer stone) It’s always been Orwellian It’s gaslightin’ Holland said the missionary force would grow as God directed, oh yeah But when it shrank, they had to say that was exactly as expected, oh yeah You thought 2 plus 2 was 4? Might not be that any more 'Cause when you start reprovin' Those goalposts start a-movin' Gaslightin' (Tour of the new Church History Museum exhibit, "Transparency Through the Ages," with Elder Stephen L. Stichenbahtum.) It was so gaslightin' when the Gospel Topic essays were done (We used to say this stuff was anti-Mormon) Now it's so gaslightin' when they're redefinin' "translation" (When it says "translate," it doesn't mean "translate") The things they twist Sure make you pissed It's gaslightin'

FIRST VISIONS (ver. 1) Parody of "Joseph Smith's First Prayer" When the Prophet Joe was fourteen (or fifteen, or sixteen), in the woods he went to pray. He desired to know the true church, (or he had already determined that they were all wrong), but then he was attacked by Satan. (Or not.) Then appeared to Joseph in the grove, God, the father, and his son. (Or just Jesus, or a pillar of fire with two personages, or a host of angels, or one angel, or a spirit, or...) And they said his sins were forgiven (or didn't say that), and that all other churches were wrong. (Or that the Lord's anger was kindling against the world, or that the fullness of the Gospel would be made known later, or other things that Joseph couldn't write at the time.)

YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS (COB) Parody of "You Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer You can't touch this You can't touch this Our our our church office building makes us so hard, makes us say oh my Lord Thank you for blessing us, with a building like this and a prophet named Russ A place where we all can be Super dope old guys in SLC We're known as such So this is a place uh you can't touch We told you apostates (u can't touch this) This is where we're workin' and you know (u can't touch this) We're getting important revelation up in here (u can't touch this) About combining high priests and elders (u can't touch this) This place cost millions, y'all Not quite as much as the City Creek Mall But we can't have you touching it Or Elder Holland gonna throw a fit And it will come to pass That Kirton and McConkie gonna sue yo ass So hard, you know what I'm sayin'? Your great-grandchildren gonna still be payin' 'Cause it's just worth too much So this is a building uh you can't touch Yo we told you (u can't touch this) Why you reachin' there, maaaan? (u can't touch this) We're gonna have to rededicate this place now (u can't touch this) There was a lot of construction in this building's production All of us had to hear a lot of jackhammering for over a year So please respect what we went through Making this place to rule over you And yes, it's kinda ostentatious Might even be called great and spacious But now, that the building's been erected We have a duty to protect it It's where we give the word, you know... You can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh) Through our spokesperson, yo You can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh) You might break it down! Jack-hammer time (jackhammer sound effect) All you people outside You feel outrage but you can't feel the pride That we feel when we are in here Rakin' in a hundred thirty K a year So wave your signs in the air And tell us all about how we just don't care for the children and their safety But we back up a leader in the MTC Who missionaries say that he molested (with bullhorn) Don't touch the building or you'll be arrested Deflect deflect deflect yeah You can't touch this Look man (u can't touch this) Just stay away from this building (u can't touch this) It's as fragile as our reputation You might break it down! Sledge-hammer time (clip from "Sledgehammer") Many times you'll see us in our ivory tower here Looking big and powerful but acting out in fear We have to keep an eye on our important properties We can't have hands that masturbate infect them with disease We tour around the world From Europe to Brazil But when we're home in Utah this is the place we like to chill, so... You can't touch this Can't touch this building, or yourselves But if you touch a missionary in the basement of the MTC, we'll still plug your books Don't even think about taking pictures of yourself touching this building and sharing them all over the internet You definitely shouldn't do that, every time you're in downtown Salt Lake Get outta here

SEMANTICS FOR THE DEVIL Parody of "Sympathy for the Devil" by The Rolling Stones Please allow me to introduce myself I’m a being with no moral constraints My number one goal is to hurt The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints So many evil things I could do but still, My favorite way to oppress Is to call the church members “Mormons” Or abbreviate to “LDS” --- Pleased to meet you --- Hope you use those nicknames --- Because when you do --- Then it’s a victory for my games I had to laugh when your President Russ Threw Hinckley and Monson right under the bus I’ll watch you squirm while you try to explain Why millions were spent on the “I’m a Mormon” campaign And how ‘bout the scene back in 2014 When “Meet the Mormons” played on the cinema screen? --- Pleased to meet you --- Hope you use those nicknames --- Because when you do --- Then it’s a victory for my games It lit the fire Of my wicked desire Every time I heard the name, “Mormon Tabernacle Choir” And it was really just One of my fiendish commands To name your service group “Mormon Helping Hands” So let me please introduce myself I’m diabolical to the core And I used all of my Hollywood influence To make Kirk say “LDS” in Star Trek 4 --- Pleased to meet you --- Hope you use those nicknames --- Because when you do --- Then it’s a victory for my games I have a word to say concerning these people listening to this song... If they will continue to use the nicknames “LDS” and “Mormon,” they will be in my power! And, being in my power, I will give *them* power and fame and money... Sweet deal, huh? I mean, you can buy anything in this world for money. You know, like real estate; extravagant temples; high-end shopping malls; tens of billions of dollars worth of stock holdings; expensive billboard marketing campaigns in Times Square... Which brings us back to- --- Pleased to meet you --- Hope you use those nicknames --- Because when you do --- It really puts a rise in my flames Nelson says he’s fixing an error that Somehow jeopardized the church’s plan But still, he will give no apology For Mountain Meadows or the priesthood ban Well, I think it’s safe to say that his request For no more nicknames will mostly be ignored ‘Cause his talk lost all credibility Being broadcast on LDS.org --- Pleased to meet you --- Hope you use those nicknames --- If this is puzzling you, well then --- You’re really not to blame I mean, it’s quite silly, isn’t it? This whole name thing of Russell’s. And my brother, Jesus, supposedly getting offended by nicknames for his little church? My name is Lucifer, and you don’t hear me crying when people call me Beelzebub, or Satan, or the Adversary. Ugh, I hate that one. The next person who calls me “the Adversary” is getting such a pitchforking! But you know, this song was called “Sympathy for the Devil,” and really, you should have some sympathy for me... You see, according to LDS theology. Excuse me, according to “Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints theology.” How clunky is that? My goodness, what a mouthful! Anyway, according to LDS theology, I am jealous of you all, for you have physical bodies and I do not. I mean, really, what I would give to be able to stub my toe, or get kicked in the testicles, or fall and break a hip, or suddenly have appendicitis, or get migraines, or give birth, or die slowly of cancer... Oh yes, I would just loooooove a body. Pssh. Okay, I suppose there is the orgasm, and eating chocolate pie seems to be pleasurable, and zip-lining... That looks like fun. Oh, and ASMR. I’ve heard that’s wonderful. But every time I listen to it I think, where are these tingles?? I’m not getting any tingles!! I’m just getting seething rage from trying to hear what they’re saying. I mean, how am I supposed to take this cranial nerve exam if you’re whispering the instructions?? And why are you whispering, anyway? Is this a medical clinic or a Buddhist temple? But that might be a case where, you know, having a physical body would help. So yes, your great lord of darkness and evil... just wants to feel those tingles. It’s all about the tingles, people.

TEMPLE CHANGES by Weird Alma (Parody of "Changes" by David Bowie) This whole past year I had been waiting for My time to go into the temple after joining the Mormon church, and I'd heard there were some crazy things But my time there was not so bad No old guys touching me naked No women covering their faces with veils I've returned and I'll report that It's only mildly cultish now T-t-temple changes Time to phase out the strange Temple changes Now even less like the Masonic one T-t-temple changes Time to phase out the strange Temple changes No more black skin for the Demonic one God may change things For He's the same all the time Uhhhh. Hmmmm. I watched a pleasant little PowerPoint show and heard nothing of slitting throats or disembowelment Those things are still there in symbolic ways but does it matter if you don't know that? And these women they don't covenant to obey their husbands any more I guess misogyny was only meant For the generations who came before T-t-temple changes Time to phase out the strange Temple changes No more vengeance for the Prophet Joe T-t-temple changes Time to phase out the strange Temple changes No "pay lay ale" or evil priests and popes God may change things For He's the same all the time New revelations are coming through It has nothing to do with the polls from focus groups T-t-temple changes Time to phase out the strange Temple changes No more fourth wall breaking Lucifer T-t-temple changes Time to phase out the strange Temple changes 20 minutes shorter than it was before God may change things For He's the same all the time But really, "nothing ever changed at all" Is what they'll say in some time "He set the temple ordinances to be the same forever and ever and set Adam to watch over them, to reveal them from heaven to man, or to send angels to reveal them” (Joseph Smith, History of the Church, vol.4, p. 208)

1. Oh how lovely was the scripture that I seized upon with my heart 2. And I went out to the woods Where a light did appear from heaven 3. I beheld two glorious spirits God, the father, and the son 4. I was told that all the churches of the world had become corrupt 1. Charles G. Finney, 1821 2. Elias Smith, 1816 3. Norris Stearns, 1815 4. Asa Wild, 1823

The Handyman (parody of "Candy Man" from Willy Wonka) Who can fix what’s wrong with The Mormon church today And make it so that more disgruntled members might just stay? The Handyman Yes, President Nelson can The Handyman’s plan Is he fixes everything That makes the world say “ewww” Three hours of church was so long He cut it down to two He promised thirty temples and will maybe build a few The Handyman Oh, the Handyman can The Handyman’s plan Is he fixes everything That makes the world say “boo!” The Handyman takes The members' bellyaches And writes them on his notepad at night And says as he receives the Lord’s light “Wendy, get the hell out of sight” (WENDY: Oh, sorry, Russell. I'm going now.) [footsteps, door closing] He changed some temple details So women feel more equal there He soon will introduce a line of sexy garment-wear The Handyman (DUDE: Ohhh baby, I can almost see your knees!) Oh, the Handyman can The Handyman’s plan Is he fixes everything That makes the world say “ewww” The Handyman declared The church nickname when shared, Was a victory for Satan (SATAN: Yes!) There's no more temple sealing waitin' He might just okay masturbatin' (DUDE: Well, I'd better start practicing now, just in case.) He ended home teaching which never felt quite right He added some apostles who are not just pasty white The Handyman Oh, the Handyman can The Handyman’s plan Is he fixes everything That makes the world say “boo!” The Handyman can even Tell those still believin’ The Lord gave him an inspiration For policy deactivation of three years prior revelation (DUDE: Easy come, easy go! Wheee!) Rumors say he that might Permit coffee and tea (DUDE/WOMAN: Please! Please! Please! Please!) And who knows, maybe throw in crystal meth and LSD The Handyman Oh, the Handyman can The Handyman’s plan Is he fixes everything The former prophets should have fixed (SATAN: Under the bus, Monson!) The Handyman’s plan Is he fixes everything The former prophets should have fixed (SATAN: Under the bus, Hinckley!) DUDE: Did you see? Female missionaries can now wear pants... sometimes. WOMAN: That's so progressive! DUDE: Hey, maybe someday women will get to speak at Conference more than 5% of the time! WOMAN: Now, let's not get crazy here. I mean, after all, sometimes we can be too shrill. DUDE: Missionaries can call home more than twice a year, now. WOMAN: They're always thinking of families! DUDE: No more pageants. Is that even a good thing? WOMAN: It has to be if Russell made it happen. SATAN: What about no more one-on-one interviews between adult leaders and children?? [footsteps, door closing] SATAN: Must be saving that one for a really big scandal.

FIRST VISIONS (ver. 2) Parody of "Joseph Smith's First Prayer" 1. Oh how lovely was the scripture that I seized upon with my heart And I went alone to the woods For to kneel in prayer to God Alas, I could not speak a word Thought I heard someone approach Alas, I could not speak a word Thought I heard someone approach 2. There appeared a small gleam of light I beheld two radiant spirits One was God, with face of fire and a body like a man And the other stood below him My redeemer, Jesus Christ And the other stood below him My redeemer, Jesus Christ 3. As this light appeared from heaven While I stood there in the woods My mind it seemed to rise up to the very throne of God The lamb, once slain, appeared to me And I felt such love to him The lamb, once slain, appeared to me And I felt such love to him 4. Oh how glorious this vision when I saw the great Jehovah And before his awful majesty My mind was motionless He told me that the churches Had all become corrupt He told me that the churches Had all become corrupt 1. Charles G. Finney, 1821 2. Norris Stearns, 1815 3. Elias Smith, 1816 4. Asa Wild, 1823