SEMANTICS FOR THE DEVIL
Parody of "Sympathy for the Devil" by The Rolling Stones

Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a being with no moral constraints
My number one goal is to hurt
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

So many evil things I could do but still,
My favorite way to oppress
Is to call the church members “Mormons”
Or abbreviate to “LDS”

--- Pleased to meet you
--- Hope you use those nicknames
--- Because when you do
--- Then it’s a victory for my games

I had to laugh
when your President Russ
Threw Hinckley and Monson
right under the bus

I’ll watch you squirm
while you try to explain
Why millions were spent
on the “I’m a Mormon” campaign

And how ‘bout the scene
back in 2014
When “Meet the Mormons”
played on the cinema screen?

--- Pleased to meet you
--- Hope you use those nicknames
--- Because when you do
--- Then it’s a victory for my games

It lit the fire
Of my wicked desire
Every time I heard the name,
“Mormon Tabernacle Choir”

And it was really just
One of my fiendish commands
To name your service group
“Mormon Helping Hands”

So let me please introduce myself
I’m diabolical to the core
And I used all of my Hollywood influence
To make Kirk say “LDS” in Star Trek 4

--- Pleased to meet you
--- Hope you use those nicknames
--- Because when you do
--- Then it’s a victory for my games

I have a word to say concerning these people listening to this song... If they will continue to use the nicknames “LDS” and “Mormon,” they will be in my power! And, being in my power, I will give *them* power and fame and money... Sweet deal, huh? I mean, you can buy anything in this world for money. You know, like real estate; extravagant temples; high-end shopping malls; tens of billions of dollars worth of stock holdings; expensive billboard marketing campaigns in Times Square... Which brings us back to-

--- Pleased to meet you
--- Hope you use those nicknames
--- Because when you do
--- It really puts a rise in my flames

Nelson says he’s fixing an error that
Somehow jeopardized the church’s plan
But still, he will give no apology
For Mountain Meadows or the priesthood ban

Well, I think it’s safe to say that his request
For no more nicknames will mostly be ignored
‘Cause his talk lost all credibility
Being broadcast on LDS.org

--- Pleased to meet you
--- Hope you use those nicknames
--- If this is puzzling you, well then
--- You’re really not to blame

I mean, it’s quite silly, isn’t it? This whole name thing of Russell’s. And my brother, Jesus, supposedly getting offended by nicknames for his little church? My name is Lucifer, and you don’t hear me crying when people call me Beelzebub, or Satan, or the Adversary. Ugh, I hate that one. The next person who calls me “the Adversary” is getting such a pitchforking!

But you know, this song was called “Sympathy for the Devil,” and really, you should have some sympathy for me... You see, according to LDS theology. Excuse me, according to “Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints theology.” How clunky is that? My goodness, what a mouthful! Anyway, according to LDS theology, I am jealous of you all, for you have physical bodies and I do not. I mean, really, what I would give to be able to stub my toe, or get kicked in the testicles, or fall and break a hip, or suddenly have appendicitis, or get migraines, or give birth, or die slowly of cancer... Oh yes, I would just loooooove a body. Pssh. Okay, I suppose there is the orgasm, and eating chocolate pie seems to be pleasurable, and zip-lining... That looks like fun. Oh, and ASMR. I’ve heard that’s wonderful. But every time I listen to it I think, where are these tingles?? I’m not getting any tingles!! I’m just getting seething rage from trying to hear what they’re saying. I mean, how am I supposed to take this cranial nerve exam if you’re whispering the instructions?? And why are you whispering, anyway? Is this a medical clinic or a Buddhist temple? But that might be a case where, you know, having a physical body would help. So yes, your great lord of darkness and evil... just wants to feel those tingles. It’s all about the tingles, people.