The Handyman (parody of "Candy Man" from Willy Wonka)

Who can fix what’s wrong with
The Mormon church today
And make it so that more
disgruntled members might just stay?

The Handyman
Yes, President Nelson can
The Handyman’s plan
Is he fixes everything
That makes the world say “ewww”

Three hours of church was so long
He cut it down to two
He promised thirty temples
and will maybe build a few

The Handyman
Oh, the Handyman can
The Handyman’s plan
Is he fixes everything
That makes the world say “boo!”

The Handyman takes
The members' bellyaches
And writes them on his notepad at night
And says as he receives the Lord’s light
“Wendy, get the hell out of sight”
(WENDY: Oh, sorry, Russell. I'm going now.)
[footsteps, door closing]

He changed some temple details
So women feel more equal there
He soon will introduce
a line of sexy garment-wear

The Handyman
(DUDE: Ohhh baby, I can almost see your knees!)
Oh, the Handyman can
The Handyman’s plan
Is he fixes everything
That makes the world say “ewww”

The Handyman declared
The church nickname when shared,
Was a victory for Satan
(SATAN: Yes!)
There's no more temple sealing waitin'
He might just okay masturbatin'
(DUDE: Well, I'd better start practicing now, just in case.)

He ended home teaching
which never felt quite right
He added some apostles
who are not just pasty white

The Handyman
Oh, the Handyman can
The Handyman’s plan
Is he fixes everything
That makes the world say “boo!”

The Handyman can even
Tell those still believin’
The Lord gave him an inspiration
For policy deactivation
of three years prior revelation
(DUDE: Easy come, easy go! Wheee!)

Rumors say he that might
Permit coffee and tea
(DUDE/WOMAN: Please! Please! Please! Please!)
And who knows, maybe throw in
crystal meth and LSD

The Handyman
Oh, the Handyman can
The Handyman’s plan
Is he fixes everything
The former prophets should have fixed
(SATAN: Under the bus, Monson!)
The Handyman’s plan
Is he fixes everything
The former prophets should have fixed
(SATAN: Under the bus, Hinckley!)

DUDE: Did you see? Female missionaries can now wear pants... sometimes.

WOMAN: That's so progressive!

DUDE: Hey, maybe someday women will get to speak at Conference more than 5% of the time!

WOMAN: Now, let's not get crazy here. I mean, after all, sometimes we can be too shrill.

DUDE: Missionaries can call home more than twice a year, now.

WOMAN: They're always thinking of families!

DUDE: No more pageants. Is that even a good thing?

WOMAN: It has to be if Russell made it happen.

SATAN: What about no more one-on-one interviews between adult leaders and children??

[footsteps, door closing]

SATAN: Must be saving that one for a really big scandal.