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lyrics

YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS (COB)
Parody of "You Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

You can't touch this
You can't touch this

Our our our church office building makes us so hard,
makes us say oh my Lord
Thank you for blessing us,
with a building like this and a prophet named Russ
A place where we all can be
Super dope old guys in SLC
We're known as such
So this is a place uh you can't touch

We told you apostates (u can't touch this)
This is where we're workin' and you know (u can't touch this)
We're getting important revelation up in here (u can't touch this)
About combining high priests and elders (u can't touch this)

This place cost millions, y'all
Not quite as much as the City Creek Mall
But we can't have you touching it
Or Elder Holland gonna throw a fit
And it will come to pass
That Kirton and McConkie gonna sue yo ass
So hard, you know what I'm sayin'?
Your great-grandchildren gonna still be payin'
'Cause it's just worth too much
So this is a building uh you can't touch

Yo we told you (u can't touch this)
Why you reachin' there, maaaan? (u can't touch this)
We're gonna have to rededicate this place now (u can't touch this)

There was a lot of construction
in this building's production
All of us had to hear
a lot of jackhammering for over a year
So please respect what we went through
Making this place to rule over you
And yes, it's kinda ostentatious
Might even be called great and spacious
But now, that the building's been erected
We have a duty to protect it

It's where we give the word, you know...
You can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh)
Through our spokesperson, yo
You can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh)
You might break it down!

Jack-hammer time
(jackhammer sound effect)

All you people outside
You feel outrage but you can't feel the pride
That we feel when we are in here
Rakin' in a hundred thirty K a year
So wave your signs in the air
And tell us all about how we just don't care
for the children and their safety
But we back up a leader in the MTC
Who missionaries say that he molested
(with bullhorn) Don't touch the building or you'll be arrested

Deflect deflect deflect yeah

You can't touch this
Look man (u can't touch this)
Just stay away from this building (u can't touch this)
It's as fragile as our reputation
You might break it down!

Sledge-hammer time
(clip from "Sledgehammer")

Many times you'll see us
in our ivory tower here
Looking big and powerful
but acting out in fear

We have to keep an eye
on our important properties
We can't have hands that masturbate
infect them with disease

We tour around the world
From Europe to Brazil
But when we're home in Utah
this is the place we like to chill, so...

You can't touch this
Can't touch this building, or yourselves
But if you touch a missionary in the basement of the MTC,
we'll still plug your books
Don't even think about taking pictures of yourself touching this building
and sharing them all over the internet
You definitely shouldn't do that, every time you're in downtown Salt Lake
Get outta here

credits

from Straight Outta Titles With Straight Outta in the Title (2019), track released April 1, 2018
Weird Alma: building scrapes

(Photo by BigDeezy77)

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Weird Alma Walla Walla, Washington

What do you get when you combine an ExMormon with a singer/songwriter/humorist/parodist? An ExMormon singer-songwriter humorist parodist. Duh.

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