NOT LIKE REAL EGYPTIAN Parody of “Walk Like an Egyptian” by The Bangles See: http://www.mormonthink.com/book-of-abraham-issues.htm The Book of Abraham is a work of LDS scripture, don't you know Translated by the Prophet Joe He got it from some old mummy scroll He claimed that it was written by the very hand of that Abraham But the experts say, oh hell no The whole thing is just a lousy sham Egyptologists say all of it's way off, way off, oh way way off... Not like real Egyptian Those mummy scrolls, they turned out to be just a funerary text No Abraham, say it ain't so It left many faithful Saints perplexed Joseph also tried to translate the pictures from off the scrolls he had But the experts say, oh hell no His translations all were really bad How could he, a prophet be when it's way off, way off, oh way way off... Not like real Egyptian "None of the characters on the papyrus fragments mentioned Abraham’s name or any of the events recorded in the book of Abraham. Mormon and non-Mormon Egyptologists agree that the characters on the fragments do not match the translation given in the book of Abraham... Scholars have identified the papyrus fragments as parts of standard funerary texts that were deposited with mummified bodies. These fragments date to between the third century B.C.E. and the first century C.E., long after Abraham lived." -Translation and Historicity of the Book of Abraham, lds.org Joseph also wrote his very own Egyptian grammar and alphabet Once again, the experts say, hell no It's about as wrong as you could get Now the church admits things aren't right, but only barely acknowledges And they must defend the Prophet Joe So they call on their apologists They'll say that Joseph saw the pictures on the papyrus and then he Let the inspiration start to flow But that really strains credulity It's all full of made-up bull and it's way off, way off, oh way way off... Not like real Egyptian Not like real Egyptian

DON'T BEAT IT Parody of “Beat It” by Michael Jackson See also: https://invisiblescubit.wordpress.com/2017/11/21/suicide-by-masturbation/ The bishop said, now that you’re turning twelve years old A deacon interview, we will have to hold So I said to myself, I'd better do what I’ve been told And don’t beat it, don’t beat it He could have asked about my spiritual state How much compassion do I demonstrate? But mostly he just said, you should never masturbate Don’t beat it I know you wanna real bad, but Don’t beat it, don’t beat it Pornographic smut, don’t read it Don’t spank your monkey Or polish your knob Let your little factory Do its own job And don’t beat it, don’t beat it Don’t beat it, don’t beat it I told him I have tried as hard as I can To not give in to urges like some worldly men But it gets really hard, oh so much harder when I don’t beat it, I don’t beat it He said, now, trust me, I can truly understand But you’ll be fine if you obey the Lord’s command Just hold that iron rod in the palm of your hand And don’t beat it I know you wanna real bad, but Don’t beat it, don’t beat it When it’s getting hard, saltpete it Don’t free your Willy Or play the skin flute Go to sleep only in your Sunday suit And don’t beat it, don’t beat it Your sperm is sacred, don’t deplete it Don’t milk your lizard Don’t charm your snake Take a cold shower And eat some Corn Flakes But don't beat it (guitar solo) Don’t beat it, don’t beat it If you get the urge, don’t feed it Don’t pull your taffy Don’t yank your crank Put temple pictures Inside your spank bank And don’t beat it, don’t beat it Your body's holy, don't mistreat it Don't grease your sausage Or play solo sax And let me know all about your private acts And don't beat it, don't beat it...

TITHING Parody of "Money" by Pink Floyd See: http://www.mormonthink.com/tithing.htm Tithing, ten percent Fire insurance against eternal torment Tithing, pay some more Think of all the good things God can use it for- Costly publicity to make the church look mainstream And funding a bad college football team Tithing, don't forget It gives you blessings and more for gross than net Tithing, best not delayed That unpaid clergy still needs to get paid They’ll erect spacious buildings and show them off with pride Then make you pay to get inside Tithing, give it all So God can build himself another new mall Tithing, some may say Is the one thing the church cares about today And if you have any starving kids they'll still tell you that you first should pay, just pay, come on pay, please pay, oh pay, you better pay, yes pay, we’ll make you pay

S.C.M.C. (Strengthening Church Members Committee) Parody of “Y.M.C.A.” by The Village People See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strengthening_Church_Members_Committee Mormon, if you feel you are drawn To a calling where you can tattle on Other Mormons, then fix your gaze upon This assignment we have for you Mormon, you will search on the net For apostates, who could become a threat Then you’ll tell us, and be happy to be In the Strengthening Church Members Committee It’s fun to work for the SCMC It’s fun to work for the SCMC You can help us make all disobedience cease In the LDS Thought Police It’s fun to work for the SCMC It’s fun to work for the SCMC You can see everything other members do bad You might even rat out your Dad Mormon, if you see a new meme By a Mormon, and it happens to seem Controversial or a little extreme Then you must report it to us We will take that info and go To their bishop, so he’ll be in-the-know That apostates are outside in the hall No, this is not cultish at all It’s fun to work for the SCMC It’s fun to work for the SCMC You'll be serving the Lord, really making your mark As a stoolpigeon ratfink narc It’s fun to work for the SCMC It’s fun to work for the SCMC You can point out the ones who have questioned out loud Big Brother will be so proud Mormon, at the end of your days Know that God will honor you with great praise 'Cause you snitched on intellectuals and gays Who would share their thoughts on Facebook We can't have our members discuss All the things that reflect poorly on us Like the fact that we will spy on them, so We must spy on them to see what they know It’s fun to work for the SCMC It’s fun to work for the SCMC Inform on your friends, tell us all that they do We'll have others inform on you It’s fun to work for the SCMC It’s fun to work for the SCMC If John Dehlin farts or Denver Snuffer drinks wine You will call us on our hotline It’s fun to work for the SCMC It’s fun to work for the SCMC You'll have plenty of work as a Latter-day mole Help us stay in complete control It’s fun to work for the SCMC It’s fun to work for the SCMC, etc.

THE NEW YORK TIMES Parody of "New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra See: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/new-york-times-thomas-monson-obituary_us_5a5510aae4b003133ecd2246 Start shreddin' the news We won't read, anyway But we still need to pounce on it, The New York Times They gave us the blues When they dared to say True things that President Monson did, The New York Times We want a paper from a city Far from Idaho To have the same worship for our church CEO We just can't excuse This heartless display Let's start a petition denouncin' it; The New York Times If we just speak with rage Maybe they'll change that page Let's pray they do The New York Times The New York Times They said our prophet disenfranchised women and gays And since he's our number-one We should stand behind Whatever he did And not get butthurt But still we choose To be offended today If I had a subscription I'd be renouncin' it The New York Times We're not supposed to care what the world may think But we're still gonna make a real big stink So poo on you The New York Times

ZELPH! Parody of “Help!” by The Beatles See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zelph Zelph! He was somebody Zelph! Not just anybody Zelph! A white Lamanite Zelph! When Zion’s Camp was marching in Illinois one day They found some skeletons and the Prophet Joe did say, “These old remains include a guy, who it appears was a white Lamanite from the Book of Mormon years.” Zelph, he was a man there in the ground With a pile of other bones that made a mound And if you didn’t know who they had found Now indeed, you see, Zelph is he This Lamanite was not just any average dude He was a mighty warrior with fame and fortitude He was so righteous that his skin, it changed to white To be more delightsome for his racist God’s delight Zelph, he was conveniently right where Joseph’s followers found him when digging there So Joseph could show off his Prophet flair Yes, indeed, you see, Zelph is he Joe said that Zelph was known from the East to the Rockies He must have had a plane to fly all the way down to Belize 'Cause now we know from those apologists who say It happened there in Mesoamerica back in the day Zelph, he was a man who traveled wide With the prophet Onendagus by his side On tapirs, into battle they would ride Now, indeed, you see, Zelph is he Zelph is he, Zelph is he, huh??

SAYIN’ A LIE Parody of "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees See also: http://www.mormonthink.com/lying.htm https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/face-to-face/oaks-ballard?lang=eng https://proveallthingsholdfasttogood.wordpress.com/the-hiding-of-church-history/ Well, you could tell what those apostles said Was so full of shit, that it hurt your head “We won’t hide a thing from you.” They said, “That’s not what the church would do.” Well, hoo boy, holy cow, Where do I begin right now? A picture please, I’d take just one That shows a seer stone translation When you hear the brethren You’ll need to take Excedrin ‘Cause they’re sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie When they’re mouths are movin’ Then nothin’ can be proven They’re just sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie Ha ha ha ha, sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie Ha ha ha ha, sayin’ a lie Well, how ‘bout Joseph Fielding Smith when he Ripped a page out of a diary With a version of the First Vision That was different from the sanctioned one Well, I know, that they will say That lying for the Lord’s okay Like Joseph Smith’s polygamy He said, “only one wife, I can see” When they guys are goin’ Their noses start a-growin’ ‘Cause they’re sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie Preachin’ to the choir With pants that are on fire ‘Cause they’re sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie Ha ha ha ha, sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie Ha ha ha ha, sayin’ a lie Truth showin’ nowhere Somebody help me Somebody help me out of there

COUNTIN' UP ALL MY CHRISTMAS CARDS Parody of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee See: http://infantsonthrones.com/bah-humbug-the-dallin-h-oaks-christmas-card-mini-smackdown/ Countin’ up all my Christmas cards And the number isn’t small When you’re Apostle Dallin H. Oaks That just goes along with the call Countin’ up all my Christmas cards But before I can say I'm done I have to carefully analyze The true worth of every one I will get a Pharisaical feeling when I read. If “Happy Holidays” is written, Someone’s asking to be smitten Countin’ up all my Christmas cards They had better not include “Seasons Greetings” or Heaven forbid, Baby Jesus in the nude When I read these cards that have no Christian sentiment I’ll throw them out upon first sight Like a gay couple who wants to stay the night Countin’ up all my Christmas cards Aren’t you glad you mailed one here, So I could complain about what you sent? How is that for Christmas cheer?