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Straight Outta Cumorah (2017)

by Weird Alma

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TAPIRBACK RIDER Written and Performed by Weird Alma Parody of "Paperback Writer" by The Beatles See also: http://www.mormonthink.com/book-of-mormon-problems.htm#didntexist Tapirback rider Dear Mormons, wait, before you leave the pews I have an article in the Deseret News It explains how back in ancient Nephite times They didn't have horses, so they had to be tapirback riders Tapirback rider It might be hard for you to get this thing It's an explanation known as "loan shifting" Joseph didn't know what a tapir was So he said they rode horses, but they really all were tapirback riders Tapirback rider Tapirback rider You might be thinking something isn't right Was the Book of Mormon translation loose or tight? If cureloms, cumoms, and senines are words Then why couldn't Joseph just have used the term "tapirback riders?" Tapirback rider I warn you, that sounds like apostasy I have PHDs, so you should trust in me It will all make sense if you believe it's true If you have any questions, look my up, my name is TapirDan Writer TapirDan Writer Tapirback rider TapirDan Writer
YOU'RE (SEVERAL MONTHS SHY OF) FIFTEEN Parody of "You're Sixteen" by Ringo Starr See also: http://www.mormonthink.com/joseph-smith-polygamy.htm I'm the prophet Joe Smith I beseech you forthwith to be my wife number twenty-nine You're several months shy of fifteen and you're dutiful so be mine If you don't, I'll be floored by a big flaming sword wielded by an angel divine You're several months shy of fifteen and you're dutiful so be mine You're my baby (practically) You're my boo Since you were eleven, I've been grooming you I know you're devout so you should have no doubt But ooh, please don't let Emma find out If you marry me, I'll exalt your family I'll talk crap about you if you decline You're several months shy of fifteen and you're dutiful so be mine
BOOK OF MORMON EVIDENCE Parody of "Book of Mormon Stories" by Elizabeth Fetzer Bates See here: http://www.mormonthink.com/book-of-mormon-problems.htm#nhm Book of Mormon evidence the apologist showed to me All about chiasmus, N-H-M, and... uhhhhhhh
ODE TO PROPHET JOE Parody of "Ode to Billy Joe" by Bobbie Gentry. See also: http://hartbrad.blogspot.com/2017/10/the-critics-claim-rebuttal-of-tad.html It was the first of October, another sleepy General Conference day I had to watch it with my family who was visitin' from far away I made it through the morning session, didn't care what they were squawkin' about But then I heard a talk later made me want to poke my eardrums out I thought, I gotta find a baseball bat to smash this stupid TV with When I heard silly ol' Tad Callister go off defendin' Joseph Smith So Tad said to the members, from that great and spacious conference stage Well, Prophet Joe never had a lick of brains, and he was of too young an age Too many names and places, stories and events he couldn't make up himself And all those books the Book of Mormon rips off were never on his shelf By the time his talk was over, I knew I would need to drink a fifth When I heard silly ol' Tad Callister go off defendin' Joseph Smith Now we all know that the prophet Joe was brilliant and as sly as a fox But when needed for apologists, well, he was dumber than a box of rocks And he never had those books, but wait, didn't he read the first chapter of James? Oliver's preacher wrote View of the Hebrews, Anthon's dictionary had those names He had the opportunity and time and talent to create that myth But still that silly ol' Tad Callister goes off defendin' Joseph Smith
IVORY AND IVORY Parody of "Ebony and Ivory" by Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney See also: http://www.mormonthink.com/blackweb.htm Ivory and ivory live together in the Mormon hierarchy Side by side, they're examples of glacial racial diversity We've all seen that people are the same in the top 15 They're all old and white, wealthy businessmen And they do not speak for the poor and meek around the world who represent every ethnicity Ivory and ivory live together in Mormon history Side by side, Orson Hyde and Brigham Young made this racist legacy It's too late when forty years have passed since '78 to declare your church isn't racist if you did not replace apostles with a race that wasn't always white as the snow nineteen times in a row Ivory and ivory live together in Mormon theology Side by side, there in Alma and Nephi, oh my, can't you see? Ivory and ivory living in perfect bigotry
YOU'LL BE BACK (sung by Elder Ballard) Parody of "You'll Be Back" from Hamilton See also: http://zelphontheshelf.com/answering-elder-ballard-why-and-where-we-go/ You say the church isn't true and you're planning on leaving today You'll cry in your tea and your coffee while we watch you wither away You'll be sad with hours and hours every Sunday and nothing to do It will drive you mad with ten percent more of your income burdening you You'll be back, wait and see You will miss the pure misogyny You'll be back, one of these days And you'll help us keep on bashing gays Temples rise and the growth rate falls But we'll keep on building swanky malls And if you just won't return We will keep on bringing cookies to your house until your bosom feels the burn Da da da da daaaa You say our doctrine's hateful and you can't abide But you should just be grateful God's on our side And we can't change the doctrine 'Cause it's eternal doctrine But when we change the doctrine We'll say that it's the doctrine Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever You'll be back, it'll be great And you'll help us buy more real estate You'll be back, just the same with an asterisk beside your name You'll have doubts, you'll have fears We don't care as long as your check clears And if you can't be cajoled We will tell your friends and family to avoid you till you come back to the fold Da da da da daaaa, etc. I mean, really, where will you go??
DON'T STAND UP BEFORE ME Parody of "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by The Police See here for some context: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPBsWbopjXU Young apostle The subject Dave Bednar is his name Speaks at a church meeting Outranks all those who came It's over they're waitin' to leave and shake some hands His wife has the gall to get up before he stands Don't stand Don't stand up Don't stand up before me He can get so zealous You know, how Packer was He'll bless a congregation then take it back, just 'cause If he gets mad, he might make someone's head roll by Just like that young man in that book of 1st Nephi Don't stand Don't stand up Don't stand up before me He must have you honor his power and priesthood He cares for rules and status You know, like Jesus would He claims no gay Mormons Of course, you know there are Someday he might be Prophet Arm raised, shout, "Heil, Bednar!" Don't stand Don't stand up Don't stand up before me Don't you dare stand before me
TRYING 2 B LIKE JESUS Parody of "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus" by Janice Kapp Perry I'm trying to be like Jesus I'll follow in every way I'll wear a long robe and sandals And start growing a beard today I'll tell people to hate their families And tell my church leaders they're all Pharisees, saying Love one another, as Jesus implores Have dinners with sinners, and hang out with whores You can kill people, drown people, and call it divine Like He did in 3rd Nephi 9 I'm trying to love my neighbors I know that I can do more I'll save what I need for tithing, then give it all to the poor I'll tell everybody, I'm God's only Son I'll go to the temple and whip everyone, saying Love one another, kill trees without figs Throw people off cliffs, like He did with those pigs Tell those wealthy apostles to sell all they've got For these are the things Jesus taught


released November 7, 2017




Weird Alma Walla Walla, Washington

What do you get when you combine an ExMormon with a singer/songwriter/humorist/parodist? An ExMormon singer-songwriter humorist parodist. Duh.

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