1. |
Not Like Real Egyptian
02:56
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NOT LIKE REAL EGYPTIAN
Parody of “Walk Like an Egyptian” by The Bangles
See: http://www.mormonthink.com/book-of-abraham-issues.htm
The Book of Abraham is a work
of LDS scripture, don't you know
Translated by the Prophet Joe
He got it from some old mummy scroll
He claimed that it was written by
the very hand of that Abraham
But the experts say, oh hell no
The whole thing is just a lousy sham
Egyptologists say all of it's
way off, way off, oh way way off...
Not like real Egyptian
Those mummy scrolls, they
turned out to be just a funerary text
No Abraham, say it ain't so
It left many faithful Saints perplexed
Joseph also tried to translate
the pictures from off the scrolls he had
But the experts say, oh hell no
His translations all were really bad
How could he, a prophet be when it's
way off, way off, oh way way off...
Not like real Egyptian
"None of the characters on the papyrus fragments mentioned Abraham’s name or any of the events recorded in the book of Abraham. Mormon and non-Mormon Egyptologists agree that the characters on the fragments do not match the translation given in the book of Abraham... Scholars have identified the papyrus fragments as parts of standard funerary texts that were deposited with mummified bodies. These fragments date to between the third century B.C.E. and the first century C.E., long after Abraham lived."
-Translation and Historicity of the Book of Abraham, lds.org
Joseph also wrote his very own
Egyptian grammar and alphabet
Once again, the experts say, hell no
It's about as wrong as you could get
Now the church admits things aren't right,
but only barely acknowledges
And they must defend the Prophet Joe
So they call on their apologists
They'll say that Joseph saw the
pictures on the papyrus and then he
Let the inspiration start to flow
But that really strains credulity
It's all full of made-up bull and it's
way off, way off, oh way way off...
Not like real Egyptian
Not like real Egyptian
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2. |
Don't Beat It
03:06
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DON'T BEAT IT
Parody of “Beat It” by Michael Jackson
See also: https://invisiblescubit.wordpress.com/2017/11/21/suicide-by-masturbation/
The bishop said, now that you’re turning twelve years old
A deacon interview, we will have to hold
So I said to myself, I'd better do what I’ve been told
And don’t beat it, don’t beat it
He could have asked about my spiritual state
How much compassion do I demonstrate?
But mostly he just said, you should never masturbate
Don’t beat it
I know you wanna real bad, but
Don’t beat it, don’t beat it
Pornographic smut, don’t read it
Don’t spank your monkey
Or polish your knob
Let your little factory
Do its own job
And don’t beat it, don’t beat it
Don’t beat it, don’t beat it
I told him I have tried as hard as I can
To not give in to urges like some worldly men
But it gets really hard, oh so much harder when
I don’t beat it, I don’t beat it
He said, now, trust me, I can truly understand
But you’ll be fine if you obey the Lord’s command
Just hold that iron rod in the palm of your hand
And don’t beat it
I know you wanna real bad, but
Don’t beat it, don’t beat it
When it’s getting hard, saltpete it
Don’t free your Willy
Or play the skin flute
Go to sleep only in your Sunday suit
And don’t beat it, don’t beat it
Your sperm is sacred, don’t deplete it
Don’t milk your lizard
Don’t charm your snake
Take a cold shower
And eat some Corn Flakes
But don't beat it
(guitar solo)
Don’t beat it, don’t beat it
If you get the urge, don’t feed it
Don’t pull your taffy
Don’t yank your crank
Put temple pictures
Inside your spank bank
And don’t beat it, don’t beat it
Your body's holy, don't mistreat it
Don't grease your sausage
Or play solo sax
And let me know all about your private acts
And don't beat it, don't beat it...
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3. |
Tithing
06:04
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TITHING
Parody of "Money" by Pink Floyd
See: http://www.mormonthink.com/tithing.htm
Tithing, ten percent
Fire insurance against eternal torment
Tithing, pay some more
Think of all the good things God can use it for-
Costly publicity to make the church look mainstream
And funding a bad college football team
Tithing, don't forget
It gives you blessings and more for gross than net
Tithing, best not delayed
That unpaid clergy still needs to get paid
They’ll erect spacious buildings and show them off with pride
Then make you pay to get inside
Tithing, give it all
So God can build himself another new mall
Tithing, some may say
Is the one thing the church cares about today
And if you have any starving kids
they'll still tell you that you first should pay,
just pay, come on pay, please pay, oh pay, you better
pay, yes pay, we’ll make you pay
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4. |
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S.C.M.C. (Strengthening Church Members Committee)
Parody of “Y.M.C.A.” by The Village People
See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strengthening_Church_Members_Committee
Mormon, if you feel you are drawn
To a calling where you can tattle on
Other Mormons, then fix your gaze upon
This assignment we have for you
Mormon, you will search on the net
For apostates, who could become a threat
Then you’ll tell us, and be happy to be
In the Strengthening Church Members Committee
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
You can help us make all disobedience cease
In the LDS Thought Police
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
You can see everything other members do bad
You might even rat out your Dad
Mormon, if you see a new meme
By a Mormon, and it happens to seem
Controversial or a little extreme
Then you must report it to us
We will take that info and go
To their bishop, so he’ll be in-the-know
That apostates are outside in the hall
No, this is not cultish at all
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
You'll be serving the Lord, really making your mark
As a stoolpigeon ratfink narc
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
You can point out the ones who have questioned out loud
Big Brother will be so proud
Mormon, at the end of your days
Know that God will honor you with great praise
'Cause you snitched on intellectuals and gays
Who would share their thoughts on Facebook
We can't have our members discuss
All the things that reflect poorly on us
Like the fact that we will spy on them, so
We must spy on them to see what they know
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
Inform on your friends, tell us all that they do
We'll have others inform on you
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
If John Dehlin farts or Denver Snuffer drinks wine
You will call us on our hotline
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
You'll have plenty of work as a Latter-day mole
Help us stay in complete control
It’s fun to work for the SCMC
It’s fun to work for the SCMC, etc.
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5. |
The New York Times
03:19
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THE NEW YORK TIMES
Parody of "New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra
See: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/new-york-times-thomas-monson-obituary_us_5a5510aae4b003133ecd2246
Start shreddin' the news
We won't read, anyway
But we still need to pounce on it,
The New York Times
They gave us the blues
When they dared to say
True things that President Monson did,
The New York Times
We want a paper from a city
Far from Idaho
To have the same worship for
our church CEO
We just can't excuse
This heartless display
Let's start a petition denouncin' it;
The New York Times
If we just speak with rage
Maybe they'll change that page
Let's pray they do
The New York Times
The New York Times
They said our prophet
disenfranchised women and gays
And since he's our number-one
We should stand behind
Whatever he did
And not get butthurt
But still we choose
To be offended today
If I had a subscription I'd be renouncin' it
The New York Times
We're not supposed to care what the world may think
But we're still gonna make a real big stink
So poo on you The New York Times
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6. |
Zelph!
02:17
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ZELPH!
Parody of “Help!” by The Beatles
See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zelph
Zelph!
He was somebody
Zelph!
Not just anybody
Zelph!
A white Lamanite
Zelph!
When Zion’s Camp was marching in Illinois one day
They found some skeletons and the Prophet Joe did say,
“These old remains include a guy, who it appears
was a white Lamanite from the Book of Mormon years.”
Zelph, he was a man there in the ground
With a pile of other bones that made a mound
And if you didn’t know who they had found
Now indeed, you see, Zelph is he
This Lamanite was not just any average dude
He was a mighty warrior with fame and fortitude
He was so righteous that his skin, it changed to white
To be more delightsome for his racist God’s delight
Zelph, he was conveniently right where
Joseph’s followers found him when digging there
So Joseph could show off his Prophet flair
Yes, indeed, you see, Zelph is he
Joe said that Zelph was known from the East to the Rockies
He must have had a plane to fly all the way down to Belize
'Cause now we know from those apologists who say
It happened there in Mesoamerica back in the day
Zelph, he was a man who traveled wide
With the prophet Onendagus by his side
On tapirs, into battle they would ride
Now, indeed, you see, Zelph is he
Zelph is he, Zelph is he, huh??
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7. |
Sayin' a Lie
02:12
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SAYIN’ A LIE
Parody of "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees
See also: http://www.mormonthink.com/lying.htm
https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/face-to-face/oaks-ballard?lang=eng
https://proveallthingsholdfasttogood.wordpress.com/the-hiding-of-church-history/
Well, you could tell what those apostles said
Was so full of shit, that it hurt your head
“We won’t hide a thing from you.”
They said, “That’s not what the church would do.”
Well, hoo boy, holy cow,
Where do I begin right now?
A picture please, I’d take just one
That shows a seer stone translation
When you hear the brethren
You’ll need to take Excedrin
‘Cause they’re sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie
When they’re mouths are movin’
Then nothin’ can be proven
They’re just sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie
Ha ha ha ha, sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie
Ha ha ha ha, sayin’ a lie
Well, how ‘bout Joseph Fielding Smith when he
Ripped a page out of a diary
With a version of the First Vision
That was different from the sanctioned one
Well, I know, that they will say
That lying for the Lord’s okay
Like Joseph Smith’s polygamy
He said, “only one wife, I can see”
When they guys are goin’
Their noses start a-growin’
‘Cause they’re sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie
Preachin’ to the choir
With pants that are on fire
‘Cause they’re sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie
Ha ha ha ha, sayin’ a lie, sayin’ a lie
Ha ha ha ha, sayin’ a lie
Truth showin’ nowhere
Somebody help me
Somebody help me out of there
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8. |
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COUNTIN' UP ALL MY CHRISTMAS CARDS
Parody of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee
See: http://infantsonthrones.com/bah-humbug-the-dallin-h-oaks-christmas-card-mini-smackdown/
Countin’ up all my Christmas cards
And the number isn’t small
When you’re Apostle Dallin H. Oaks
That just goes along with the call
Countin’ up all my Christmas cards
But before I can say I'm done
I have to carefully analyze
The true worth of every one
I will get a Pharisaical feeling when I read.
If “Happy Holidays” is written,
Someone’s asking to be smitten
Countin’ up all my Christmas cards
They had better not include
“Seasons Greetings” or Heaven forbid,
Baby Jesus in the nude
When I read these cards that have no Christian sentiment
I’ll throw them out upon first sight
Like a gay couple who wants to stay the night
Countin’ up all my Christmas cards
Aren’t you glad you mailed one here,
So I could complain about what you sent?
How is that for Christmas cheer?
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Weird Alma Walla Walla, Washington
What do you get when you combine an ExMormon with a singer/songwriter/humorist/parodist? An ExMormon singer-songwriter humorist parodist. Duh.
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