Straight Outta Titles With Straight Outta in the Title (2019)

by Weird Alma

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raymondraino
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raymondraino Sums up The Rusty Nelson we are held in perfectly Favorite track: Revelation.
mr_it
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mr_it Pure awesome sauce! Favorite track: Semantics for the Devil.
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released April 9, 2018

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Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

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Weird Alma Walla Walla, Washington

What do you get when you combine an ExMormon with a singer/songwriter/humorist/parodist? An ExMormon singer-songwriter humorist parodist. Duh.

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Track Name: Revelation
Revelation (Nelson-Style)
Parody of "Revolution" by the Beatles

(Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, kicking off the first stop on his world tour, our new president and prophet, Russell M. Nelson!)
(girls screaming)

You say you want some revelation
Well, here you go-
It’s gonna blow your frickin’ mind
It’s crucial for the world’s salvation
So, here you go-
High Priests and Elders are combined
(Dude 1: Whoa!)
(Dude 2: Wow!)

They come from different generations
But I’m sure they’ll get along just fine
And I know there will never be a fight
(Fogey: The Earth is 6,000 years old!)
(Youngin’: No, it’s billions of years old!)
They won’t fight
(Fogey: Darn those gays to heck!)
(Youngin’: We need to love our gay brothers and sisters!)
They'll never fight
(Fogey snoring)
(Youngin': I'm outta here, Grampa.)
(Fogey: What? What?)

You say you want some revelation
Well, now you know-
The Home Teaching program soon will end
(Dude 1: Oh, and I was gonna do mine this month!)
(Dude 2: No, you weren't.)
(Dude 1: Yeah, you're right. I wasn't.)
Never mind that that was revelation
A long time ago
We’re holier than they were then

Home Teaching’s replacement will be very much the same
With a little less guilt and a mainstream Christian name-
“Ministering”

Don’t you know that it’s gonna be alright
(Dude 1: “So what do you think of this new Ministering program?”)
(Dude 2: “Eh, it’s alright.”)
Alright
(Dude 1: “Yeah, I guess it’s alright.”)
(Dude 2: "It's alright.")
Alright

Here follows the collected revelations of Heber J. Grant, George Albert Smith, David O. McKay, Joseph Fielding Smith, Harold B. Lee, Ezra Taft Benson, Howard W. Hunter, Gordon B. Hinckley, and Thomas S. Monson...
(crickets)
That is all.

You say you want some revelation
Well, you know-
Seven temples were announced
(Dude 2: A temple in Russia?)
(Dude 1: In Soviet Russia, temple goes to you!)
We want you to make more donations
So then, you know-
A list of new temples totally counts

We’re growing like crazy, at least so it must appear
And you’re led by a prophet, revelator, and a seer
(Dude 1: Really? Who?)
(Dude 2: President Nelson!)
(Dude 1: Oh. Right.)

Don’t you know that it’s gonna be alright
(Dude 2: "A temple in Layton? It's about time!")
Alright
(Dude 1: "Now we don't have to drive all the way to Ogden.")
Alright

Don't you know that it's gonna be alright
The apostles just got a little bit less white
All of our alibis gonna be airtight (for the coverups)
Please don’t make a movie about us like Spotlight (that was hard-hitting)
I’ve gotta go dedicate another new temple site (for all of our members in India!)

(Smashing noises)
(Dude 1: Whoa, is President Nelson smashing his guitars like Jimi Hendrix?)
(Dude 2: No, he's smashing bottles of alcohol.)
(Dude 1: Well, that's still pretty "rock star.")
(Dude 2: Not when they're full.)
Track Name: Gaslighting
GASLIGHTING
By Weird Alma (parody of "Greased Lightning" from Grease)

The Mormon Church is so dogmatic
It's really problematic
It can feel so traumatic
When they're gaslightin'

They'll make you question everything about your own sanity, oh yeah
(When you question, they make you question)
If something seems wrong that’s just the way it’s supposed to be, oh yeah
(It’s your problem, not the church’s problem)

If you point out something’s bad
Then they’ll say you must be mad
They’ll question your intent
While dismissing what you meant
It’s gaslightin’

Well, it's so gaslightin' with the things the Prophet Joe would do
(No seer stone, he didn’t use a seer stone)
But then they change the narrative and tell you that they always knew
(He used a seer stone, of course he used a seer stone)

It’s always been Orwellian
It’s gaslightin’

Holland said the missionary force would grow as God directed, oh yeah
But when it shrank, they had to say that was exactly as expected, oh yeah

You thought 2 plus 2 was 4?
Might not be that any more
'Cause when you start reprovin'
Those goalposts start a-movin'
Gaslightin'

(Tour of the new Church History Museum exhibit, "Transparency Through the Ages," with Elder Stephen L. Stichenbahtum.)

It was so gaslightin' when the Gospel Topic essays were done
(We used to say this stuff was anti-Mormon)
Now it's so gaslightin' when they're redefinin' "translation"
(When it says "translate," it doesn't mean "translate")

The things they twist
Sure make you pissed
It's gaslightin'
Track Name: First Visions (version 1)
FIRST VISIONS (ver. 1)
Parody of "Joseph Smith's First Prayer"

When the Prophet Joe was fourteen
(or fifteen, or sixteen),
in the woods he went to pray.
He desired to know the true church,
(or he had already determined that they were all wrong),
but then he was attacked by Satan. (Or not.)

Then appeared to Joseph in the grove,
God, the father, and his son.
(Or just Jesus, or a pillar of fire with two personages, or a host of angels, or one angel, or a spirit, or...)
And they said his sins were forgiven
(or didn't say that),
and that all other churches were wrong.
(Or that the Lord's anger was kindling against the world, or that the fullness of the Gospel would be made known later, or other things that Joseph couldn't write at the time.)
Track Name: You Can't Touch This (COB)
YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS (COB)
Parody of "You Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

You can't touch this
You can't touch this

Our our our church office building makes us so hard,
makes us say oh my Lord
Thank you for blessing us,
with a building like this and a prophet named Russ
A place where we all can be
Super dope old guys in SLC
We're known as such
So this is a place uh you can't touch

We told you apostates (u can't touch this)
This is where we're workin' and you know (u can't touch this)
We're getting important revelation up in here (u can't touch this)
About combining high priests and elders (u can't touch this)

This place cost millions, y'all
Not quite as much as the City Creek Mall
But we can't have you touching it
Or Elder Holland gonna throw a fit
And it will come to pass
That Kirton and McConkie gonna sue yo ass
So hard, you know what I'm sayin'?
Your great-grandchildren gonna still be payin'
'Cause it's just worth too much
So this is a building uh you can't touch

Yo we told you (u can't touch this)
Why you reachin' there, maaaan? (u can't touch this)
We're gonna have to rededicate this place now (u can't touch this)

There was a lot of construction
in this building's production
All of us had to hear
a lot of jackhammering for over a year
So please respect what we went through
Making this place to rule over you
And yes, it's kinda ostentatious
Might even be called great and spacious
But now, that the building's been erected
We have a duty to protect it

It's where we give the word, you know...
You can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh)
Through our spokesperson, yo
You can't touch this (oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh)
You might break it down!

Jack-hammer time
(jackhammer sound effect)

All you people outside
You feel outrage but you can't feel the pride
That we feel when we are in here
Rakin' in a hundred thirty K a year
So wave your signs in the air
And tell us all about how we just don't care
for the children and their safety
But we back up a leader in the MTC
Who missionaries say that he molested
(with bullhorn) Don't touch the building or you'll be arrested

Deflect deflect deflect yeah

You can't touch this
Look man (u can't touch this)
Just stay away from this building (u can't touch this)
It's as fragile as our reputation
You might break it down!

Sledge-hammer time
(clip from "Sledgehammer")

Many times you'll see us
in our ivory tower here
Looking big and powerful
but acting out in fear

We have to keep an eye
on our important properties
We can't have hands that masturbate
infect them with disease

We tour around the world
From Europe to Brazil
But when we're home in Utah
this is the place we like to chill, so...

You can't touch this
Can't touch this building, or yourselves
But if you touch a missionary in the basement of the MTC,
we'll still plug your books
Don't even think about taking pictures of yourself touching this building
and sharing them all over the internet
You definitely shouldn't do that, every time you're in downtown Salt Lake
Get outta here
Track Name: Semantics for the Devil
SEMANTICS FOR THE DEVIL
Parody of "Sympathy for the Devil" by The Rolling Stones

Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a being with no moral constraints
My number one goal is to hurt
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

So many evil things I could do but still,
My favorite way to oppress
Is to call the church members “Mormons”
Or abbreviate to “LDS”

--- Pleased to meet you
--- Hope you use those nicknames
--- Because when you do
--- Then it’s a victory for my games

I had to laugh
when your President Russ
Threw Hinckley and Monson
right under the bus

I’ll watch you squirm
while you try to explain
Why millions were spent
on the “I’m a Mormon” campaign

And how ‘bout the scene
back in 2014
When “Meet the Mormons”
played on the cinema screen?

--- Pleased to meet you
--- Hope you use those nicknames
--- Because when you do
--- Then it’s a victory for my games

It lit the fire
Of my wicked desire
Every time I heard the name,
“Mormon Tabernacle Choir”

And it was really just
One of my fiendish commands
To name your service group
“Mormon Helping Hands”

So let me please introduce myself
I’m diabolical to the core
And I used all of my Hollywood influence
To make Kirk say “LDS” in Star Trek 4

--- Pleased to meet you
--- Hope you use those nicknames
--- Because when you do
--- Then it’s a victory for my games

I have a word to say concerning these people listening to this song... If they will continue to use the nicknames “LDS” and “Mormon,” they will be in my power! And, being in my power, I will give *them* power and fame and money... Sweet deal, huh? I mean, you can buy anything in this world for money. You know, like real estate; extravagant temples; high-end shopping malls; tens of billions of dollars worth of stock holdings; expensive billboard marketing campaigns in Times Square... Which brings us back to-

--- Pleased to meet you
--- Hope you use those nicknames
--- Because when you do
--- It really puts a rise in my flames

Nelson says he’s fixing an error that
Somehow jeopardized the church’s plan
But still, he will give no apology
For Mountain Meadows or the priesthood ban

Well, I think it’s safe to say that his request
For no more nicknames will mostly be ignored
‘Cause his talk lost all credibility
Being broadcast on LDS.org

--- Pleased to meet you
--- Hope you use those nicknames
--- If this is puzzling you, well then
--- You’re really not to blame

I mean, it’s quite silly, isn’t it? This whole name thing of Russell’s. And my brother, Jesus, supposedly getting offended by nicknames for his little church? My name is Lucifer, and you don’t hear me crying when people call me Beelzebub, or Satan, or the Adversary. Ugh, I hate that one. The next person who calls me “the Adversary” is getting such a pitchforking!

But you know, this song was called “Sympathy for the Devil,” and really, you should have some sympathy for me... You see, according to LDS theology. Excuse me, according to “Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints theology.” How clunky is that? My goodness, what a mouthful! Anyway, according to LDS theology, I am jealous of you all, for you have physical bodies and I do not. I mean, really, what I would give to be able to stub my toe, or get kicked in the testicles, or fall and break a hip, or suddenly have appendicitis, or get migraines, or give birth, or die slowly of cancer... Oh yes, I would just loooooove a body. Pssh. Okay, I suppose there is the orgasm, and eating chocolate pie seems to be pleasurable, and zip-lining... That looks like fun. Oh, and ASMR. I’ve heard that’s wonderful. But every time I listen to it I think, where are these tingles?? I’m not getting any tingles!! I’m just getting seething rage from trying to hear what they’re saying. I mean, how am I supposed to take this cranial nerve exam if you’re whispering the instructions?? And why are you whispering, anyway? Is this a medical clinic or a Buddhist temple? But that might be a case where, you know, having a physical body would help. So yes, your great lord of darkness and evil... just wants to feel those tingles. It’s all about the tingles, people.
Track Name: Temple Changes
TEMPLE CHANGES
by Weird Alma (Parody of "Changes" by David Bowie)

This whole past year I had been waiting for
My time to go into the temple
after joining the Mormon church, and
I'd heard there were some crazy things
But my time there was not so bad
No old guys touching me naked
No women covering their faces with veils
I've returned and I'll report that
It's only mildly cultish now

T-t-temple changes
Time to phase out the strange
Temple changes
Now even less like the Masonic one
T-t-temple changes
Time to phase out the strange
Temple changes
No more black skin for the Demonic one
God may change things
For He's the same all the time

Uhhhh. Hmmmm.

I watched a pleasant little PowerPoint show
and heard nothing of slitting throats
or disembowelment
Those things are still there in symbolic ways
but does it matter if you don't know that?
And these women they don't covenant
to obey their husbands any more
I guess misogyny was only meant
For the generations who came before

T-t-temple changes
Time to phase out the strange
Temple changes
No more vengeance for the Prophet Joe
T-t-temple changes
Time to phase out the strange
Temple changes
No "pay lay ale" or evil priests and popes
God may change things
For He's the same all the time

New revelations are coming through
It has nothing to do with the polls from focus groups

T-t-temple changes
Time to phase out the strange
Temple changes
No more fourth wall breaking Lucifer
T-t-temple changes
Time to phase out the strange
Temple changes
20 minutes shorter than it was before
God may change things
For He's the same all the time
But really, "nothing ever changed at all"
Is what they'll say in some time


"He set the temple ordinances to be the same forever and ever and set Adam to watch over them, to reveal them from heaven to man, or to send angels to reveal them”

(Joseph Smith, History of the Church, vol.4, p. 208)
Track Name: First Visions (version 2)
1. Oh how lovely was the scripture
that I seized upon with my heart
2. And I went out to the woods
Where a light did appear from heaven
3. I beheld two glorious spirits
God, the father, and the son
4. I was told that all the churches of
the world had become corrupt

1. Charles G. Finney, 1821
2. Elias Smith, 1816
3. Norris Stearns, 1815
4. Asa Wild, 1823
Track Name: First Visions (version 2 - extended)
FIRST VISIONS (ver. 2)
Parody of "Joseph Smith's First Prayer"

1. Oh how lovely was the scripture
that I seized upon with my heart
And I went alone to the woods
For to kneel in prayer to God
Alas, I could not speak a word
Thought I heard someone approach
Alas, I could not speak a word
Thought I heard someone approach

2. There appeared a small gleam of light
I beheld two radiant spirits
One was God, with face of fire
and a body like a man
And the other stood below him
My redeemer, Jesus Christ
And the other stood below him
My redeemer, Jesus Christ

3. As this light appeared from heaven
While I stood there in the woods
My mind it seemed to rise up
to the very throne of God
The lamb, once slain, appeared to me
And I felt such love to him
The lamb, once slain, appeared to me
And I felt such love to him

4. Oh how glorious this vision
when I saw the great Jehovah
And before his awful majesty
My mind was motionless
He told me that the churches
Had all become corrupt
He told me that the churches
Had all become corrupt

1. Charles G. Finney, 1821
2. Norris Stearns, 1815
3. Elias Smith, 1816
4. Asa Wild, 1823