1. |
Tapirback Rider
02:13
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TAPIRBACK RIDER
Written and Performed by Weird Alma
Parody of "Paperback Writer" by The Beatles
See also: http://www.mormonthink.com/book-of-mormon-problems.htm#didntexist
Tapirback rider
Dear Mormons, wait, before you leave the pews
I have an article in the Deseret News
It explains how back in ancient Nephite times
They didn't have horses, so they had to be tapirback riders
Tapirback rider
It might be hard for you to get this thing
It's an explanation known as "loan shifting"
Joseph didn't know what a tapir was
So he said they rode horses,
but they really all were tapirback riders
Tapirback rider
Tapirback rider
You might be thinking something isn't right
Was the Book of Mormon translation loose or tight?
If cureloms, cumoms, and senines are words
Then why couldn't Joseph just have used the term "tapirback riders?"
Tapirback rider
I warn you, that sounds like apostasy
I have PHDs, so you should trust in me
It will all make sense if you believe it's true
If you have any questions, look my up, my name is TapirDan Writer
TapirDan Writer
Tapirback rider
TapirDan Writer
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2. |
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YOU'RE (SEVERAL MONTHS SHY OF) FIFTEEN
Parody of "You're Sixteen" by Ringo Starr
See also: http://www.mormonthink.com/joseph-smith-polygamy.htm
I'm the prophet Joe Smith
I beseech you forthwith
to be my wife number twenty-nine
You're several months shy of fifteen
and you're dutiful
so be mine
If you don't, I'll be floored
by a big flaming sword
wielded by an angel divine
You're several months shy of fifteen
and you're dutiful
so be mine
You're my baby (practically)
You're my boo
Since you were eleven, I've been grooming you
I know you're devout
so you should have no doubt
But ooh, please don't let Emma find out
If you marry me,
I'll exalt your family
I'll talk crap about you if you decline
You're several months shy of fifteen
and you're dutiful
so be mine
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3. |
Book of Mormon Evidence
00:25
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BOOK OF MORMON EVIDENCE
Parody of "Book of Mormon Stories" by Elizabeth Fetzer Bates
See here: http://www.mormonthink.com/book-of-mormon-problems.htm#nhm
Book of Mormon evidence the apologist showed to me
All about chiasmus, N-H-M, and... uhhhhhhh
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4. |
Ode to Prophet Joe
02:34
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ODE TO PROPHET JOE
Parody of "Ode to Billy Joe" by Bobbie Gentry.
See also: http://hartbrad.blogspot.com/2017/10/the-critics-claim-rebuttal-of-tad.html
It was the first of October,
another sleepy General Conference day
I had to watch it with my family
who was visitin' from far away
I made it through the morning session,
didn't care what they were squawkin' about
But then I heard a talk later
made me want to poke my eardrums out
I thought, I gotta find a baseball bat
to smash this stupid TV with
When I heard silly ol' Tad Callister
go off defendin' Joseph Smith
So Tad said to the members,
from that great and spacious conference stage
Well, Prophet Joe never had a lick of brains,
and he was of too young an age
Too many names and places, stories and events
he couldn't make up himself
And all those books the Book of Mormon rips off
were never on his shelf
By the time his talk was over,
I knew I would need to drink a fifth
When I heard silly ol' Tad Callister
go off defendin' Joseph Smith
Now we all know that the prophet Joe
was brilliant and as sly as a fox
But when needed for apologists,
well, he was dumber than a box of rocks
And he never had those books, but wait,
didn't he read the first chapter of James?
Oliver's preacher wrote View of the Hebrews,
Anthon's dictionary had those names
He had the opportunity and time
and talent to create that myth
But still that silly ol' Tad Callister
goes off defendin' Joseph Smith
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5. |
Ivory and Ivory
02:35
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IVORY AND IVORY
Parody of "Ebony and Ivory" by Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney
See also: http://www.mormonthink.com/blackweb.htm
Ivory and ivory
live together in the Mormon hierarchy
Side by side, they're examples
of glacial racial diversity
We've all seen
that people are the same in the top 15
They're all old and white,
wealthy businessmen
And they do not speak
for the poor and meek around the world
who represent every ethnicity
Ivory and ivory
live together in Mormon history
Side by side, Orson Hyde
and Brigham Young made this racist legacy
It's too late
when forty years have passed since '78
to declare your church isn't racist
if you did not replace
apostles with a race that wasn't
always white as the snow
nineteen times in a row
Ivory and ivory
live together in Mormon theology
Side by side, there in Alma
and Nephi, oh my, can't you see?
Ivory and ivory
living in perfect bigotry
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6. |
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YOU'LL BE BACK (sung by Elder Ballard)
Parody of "You'll Be Back" from Hamilton
See also: http://zelphontheshelf.com/answering-elder-ballard-why-and-where-we-go/
You say the church isn't true and you're planning on leaving today
You'll cry in your tea and your coffee while we watch you wither away
You'll be sad
with hours and hours every Sunday and nothing to do
It will drive you mad
with ten percent more of your income burdening you
You'll be back, wait and see
You will miss the pure misogyny
You'll be back, one of these days
And you'll help us keep on bashing gays
Temples rise and the growth rate falls
But we'll keep on building swanky malls
And if you just won't return
We will keep on bringing cookies to your house
until your bosom feels the burn
Da da da da daaaa
You say our doctrine's hateful and you can't abide
But you should just be grateful God's on our side
And we can't change the doctrine
'Cause it's eternal doctrine
But when we change the doctrine
We'll say that it's the doctrine
Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever
You'll be back, it'll be great
And you'll help us buy more real estate
You'll be back, just the same
with an asterisk beside your name
You'll have doubts, you'll have fears
We don't care as long as your check clears
And if you can't be cajoled
We will tell your friends and family
to avoid you till you come back to the fold
Da da da da daaaa, etc.
I mean, really, where will you go??
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7. |
Don't Stand Up Before Me
02:35
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DON'T STAND UP BEFORE ME
Parody of "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by The Police
See here for some context: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPBsWbopjXU
Young apostle
The subject
Dave Bednar is his name
Speaks at a
church meeting
Outranks all those who came
It's over
they're waitin'
to leave and shake some hands
His wife has
the gall to
get up before he stands
Don't stand
Don't stand up
Don't stand up before me
He can get
so zealous
You know, how Packer was
He'll bless a
congregation
then take it back, just 'cause
If he gets
mad, he might
make someone's head roll by
Just like that
young man in
that book of 1st Nephi
Don't stand
Don't stand up
Don't stand up before me
He must have
you honor
his power and priesthood
He cares for
rules and status
You know, like Jesus would
He claims no
gay Mormons
Of course, you know there are
Someday he
might be Prophet
Arm raised, shout, "Heil, Bednar!"
Don't stand
Don't stand up
Don't stand up before me
Don't you dare stand before me
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8. |
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TRYING 2 B LIKE JESUS
Parody of "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus" by Janice Kapp Perry
I'm trying to be like Jesus
I'll follow in every way
I'll wear a long robe and sandals
And start growing a beard today
I'll tell people to hate their families
And tell my church leaders they're all Pharisees, saying
Love one another, as Jesus implores
Have dinners with sinners, and hang out with whores
You can kill people, drown people, and call it divine
Like He did in 3rd Nephi 9
I'm trying to love my neighbors
I know that I can do more
I'll save what I need for tithing,
then give it all to the poor
I'll tell everybody, I'm God's only Son
I'll go to the temple and whip everyone, saying
Love one another, kill trees without figs
Throw people off cliffs, like He did with those pigs
Tell those wealthy apostles to sell all they've got
For these are the things Jesus taught
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Weird Alma Walla Walla, Washington
What do you get when you combine an ExMormon with a singer/songwriter/humorist/parodist? An ExMormon singer-songwriter humorist parodist. Duh.
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